MOVED

Well everyone, I moved the site over to www.makingthechoice.wordpress.com . I don’t know if there was any real point to it, besides satisfying my need for uniformity in site name and site address. All the posts & comments are there, too.. so no big changes. I wanted to archive most of my old posts and have them taken off the main page but after looking into it, I don’t think I can customize that much without getting an actual Webhost or purchasing WordPress CSS options or… whatever. I probably don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ll upgrade sooner or later, but for now my html knowledge could stand to be a little better and my pockets, a little fuller. See you at the new site, and I’ll have to ask everyone to change their links again. Thank you!!

A belated birthday post

I have been celebrating my birthday for a full week now.. It started last Wednesday with the Regina Spektor/Ani Difranco concert (very good, also a very interesting crowd). Then I was treated to dinner at El Vez and a giant bag of gifts that had me in tears (of laughter). Then more time was spent with friends.. etc. Party number two, on my actual birthday, had me eating ice cream cake and doing interpretive dance which was well… entertaining, to say the least. Tonight I had more cake (double layer, chocolate on chocolate, with gummy bears) and ended up at a cool 132. I think this is the end of the birthday celebration, though.. But it was quite a week.

So, what’s changed? Now the US officially calls me an adult. I can (and should) get my license any day now and stay out past 11. I can vote. I can buy cigarettes if the mood so strikes me (although it won’t). I can order infomercial products. Am I more responsible today than I was on Monday? Of course not. So, me entering the adult world? Only a technicality. But what else is significant about crossing the border between juvenile and adult? WELL. I’m now an “adult” and “juvenile” diabetes hasn’t gone away. Wouldn’t that have been nice if it had, though? Anyway, I might have used a cake or two to wish for a cure… but wishing is more of a birthday and fountain formality, so I’m not holding my breath.

Roommate Dilemma

When I returned home from vacation, I had gotten my housing assignment for my freshman year in college. I was put in a single room, which I was a little upset about at first… but then I realized having my own room would be pretty awesome. The building I’m in is mostly singles as well anyway, so it wouldn’t have been a big deal. It’s safe to say I was at peace with the assignment and actually excited for having my own room for the first time. And, in the back of my mind, I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t have to explain my disease to a roommate.

However, my mother is not pleased with the situation. She is afraid that I will have a hypoglycemic episode in the middle of the night and there will be no one there to get help. In the (almost) 10 years that I’ve had diabetes, I have only been at the point when I could not help myself two times. The first time I was 11 or 12 I believe, and got up on my own in the early morning hours to wander around the house. My sugar was low, but I was too out of it to get anything for myself. My wandering progressed for an hour before anyone knew and by the time my cousin woke up and went to get help I was running around the house (I am told) screaming “Help me, what is happening to me?”. That took an entire day to recover from, and my memory only comes back to me at the point my sugar finally began to come up again. The second time was a little over a year ago. I went low in the middle of the night when I had a friend over and didn’t wake up. Most of the time I do wake up with lows, but on these two occasions something happened where I didn’t. Anyway, my friend heard me in the morning crying in my sleep or making some other strange noises and, since she knew, she went to get help. When I came to during that episode I couldn’t see, or speak. My vision came back first, but I was unable to enunciate clearly or form coherent words for nearly an hour afterwards.

These two situations scare the hell out of me. They remind me that we can have control over our disease for the majority of the time, but there are occasions when something hits us unexpectedly and quite literally puts our life in danger. They don’t happen often, but there is always the possibility. They also remind me of how having diabetes not only has an affect on our own lives, but on the lives of those close to us who must take on the responsibility, and worry, of being there to help if something happens. It would be different if these two situations had had a definite and preventable cause, but on both occasions there was nothing out of the ordinary and no gross irresponsibility that would have led to my not waking up. And yet, still, I have this issue: If I am made to request a roommate as a medical necessity, I feel like I am basically saying “Diabetes you are controlling my life, and I am not as capable as any other person is of depending on myself”. That goes against any thought I have ever had about Diabetes, about being able to “do whatever anyone else can, only with the extra, required precautions”.

Anyway, my Mom brought this roommate (or lack thereof) situation up to my doctor, who whole heartedly agreed that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me to be alone and will write a note to the college stating a medical necessity for having a roommate. It was all settled and for the most part I held my tongue because I mean to bring it up to my mom again. My doctor said she has a brother who has diabetes, and lives alone. She calls him every morning to make sure he’s still alive and, like any other diabetic I suspect, he finds it unnecessary. I had not realized the way our loved ones felt about us. To me, I am in control. To me, Diabetes is something I want and need cured- but I do not feel like I’m on the edge of life and death at every moment. The way it sounds, my mom & my doctor think I might slip away at any time (but isn’t this true of everyone?). Perhaps it is the irrational fear that comes with being a mother… but I honestly don’t feel that it is this severe! I understand their perspectives but they also hurt my pride a little bit. I brought up getting a sensor as a solution. I remembered reading Kerri’s entries about being on the sensor and how it would beep when her sugar started to decline, not when it was already low and too late.  I thought this would be a viable solution, but my mom immediately said she wasn’t comfortable with it because I’m a heavy sleeper and still might not wake up. On the other side of it, I say- what if I get a roommate who is incompetent enough that they are just as bad as not having one? No one liked that argument, of course.

There are so many sides to this situation that I have to consider. On the one hand, I can make my Mom happy. I can have her rest assured that, conceivably, there is always someone there- but can I go through life always needing someone there, and always letting a possibility govern my decisions? There is this element of self dependence that I wish for and perhaps foolishly believe I have. My doctor said that the “what if I go low & die in my sleep” is too big of a what if to take a chance on. I agree, and maybe I am being obstinate, but I also feel like I am being told I can’t do something because of this disease. I hate admitting my weaknesses, and I hate being told that I have them. I hate worrying my family and my loved ones. In my own turn to be irrational, I also fear I will be moved to a room with a roommate who will be less than pleased to learn that they are living with a diabetic, and even assume that I am a helpless person that they don’t want to have the responsibility of worrying about. I hate feeling like a burden. I hate that this is even an issue. I hate thinking of long explanations and the possibility that someone will think me broken and thus too much of a hassle, not worth knowing. As much as I have come to terms with having t1 diabetes, I am still self conscious and scared that someone will think less of me because of it. I hate being treated like I need someone to save me and I admit the importance of having people who care about me for the “just in case“, but I still feel wounded when I’m told I can’t do it all by myself.

I understand, as much as a can, the perspectives of my family and my doctor. But, I cannot fully support them. What must it be like to feel relatively powerless with my disease, as an outsider? I suppose it must be scary, to think that they can only do so much and thus they always prepare for the worst. But for me, any other diabetic, how do you feel about this kind of situation? Do you make your family happy by going against your own beliefs, or do you continue to argue your case? Am I really the one being absurd here? Am I, perhaps, arguing this just for the sake of the independence that I want but maybe I really shouldn’t have? I don’t know what the right answer is here.

I’m a psychic?

As we drove away I had this vision: A bag of syringes left on the kitchen table, the landlords come to ready the cabin for the next visitors and discover them. They are a bit shocked and question the seemingly questionable behavior of the just departed guests. I chuckle to myself because in my idle thoughts I often find myself imagining amusing scenarios, and this is no different. Besides, the concept of leaving anything really important behind is decidedly ridiculous.

At least, that is, until the phone rang at 9pm to tell a different story.

What, you may ask, was that story? Well, if it is not obvious yet, I left my bag of infusion sites, reservoirs, insulin, and the all important inserter at a cabin in the middle of the Shenandoah River Valley, 5 hours from my house. Because, who would forget to go back for the Betes Bag? Now clearly I’ve got plenty of extra reservoirs & insulin at home, but the inserter is the one and only and right now it is far, far away. Conveniently, tomorrow is also a Sunday and we all know that no amount of money will get a delivery out on Saturday night to arrive Sunday morning (OK, maybe some amount… but nothing I have the capacity to give.) So here I am with a day old infusion site, wondering- can it hold out until Tuesday? I’ve tried inserting my infusion site without the inserter before (that thing does have the tendency to hide) and it hasn’t gone too well. So tomorrow the plan is to call on a fellow diabetic in hopes that they share the same inserter as me and will let me borrow it. If that fails, I will find a very big mountain and hike it until Tuesday morning comes and my Monday overnight has arrived. Hiking does wonders for sugar control, and I always suspend my pump when I go. So, if my site does come loose, I figure that this Plan B will work swimmingly. If you’ll notice, I would rather do anything than go back on shots, even for a day.

From the land of the rollin’ river and more churches than houses, to the suburban streets, this has been the story of a slightly amused, apparently amnesic diabetic. That mountain air sure does make a person forgetful.

When I look at this picture now, I notice that the betes bag is all the way in the back… hiding in the shadows. Hmm…

Eye’m Fine.

The doctor’s waiting room- an earthly purgatory. I run through a list of questions in my head “Is it possible? I’ve had good control, haven’t I? What if there is something?” I mentally perform one last futile compare and contrast “Well so and so had seriously bad control for more years than I, and they are fine. So that should mean I’m fine too… right?” I don’t know to who I am addressing these questions, but I am desperately hoping I get the answers I want. After 30 minutes, I’m called back to get the “Good” or the “Hmm..”

The doctor puts stinging drops in my left eye, then right, and shines a sequence of lights from the strange looking medical equipment into my eyes. At each click of the instrument I am crossing my fingers that she doesn’t linger on anything. And she doesn’t! I’ve made it through the first part of the exam with no abnormalities, so the doctor puts drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils (only a half dose- because apparently I’ve got strangely large pupils already) and I’m sent out to the waiting room again. For eye exam part two, I hold my breath… more lights, more clicking.

“Well.. You have no diabetic complication in your eyes so YAY!”

OK, time to breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve hit another milestone- 10 years, and I am complication free… but that doesn’t stop my palms from sweating at every annual eye exam.

Can’t stand the heat

… and I will gladly stay out of the kitchen.

In Philadelphia & the surrounding area, we are experiencing the first heat wave of summer. The high temperature today was 99 degrees, and the sticky air was particularly unbearable. Now excessive heat is troublesome on it’s own (staying hydrated and, if you’re anything like me, trying to look presentable [civilized] in very unaccommodating weather conditions), but a new set of problems arises when humidity is mixed with diabetes- in particular the INSULIN PUMP. So, the truth comes out, this post is going to be about my pump site woes…

I braved the elements today and headed into the city- conquered sticky train seats, cranky conductors, and hot pavement. Only one thing gained the upper hand: my insulin pump. In weather like this, I would love to throw on a dress and venture out into the world, remaining put together and graceful. However, that does not appear to be in my nature, and my minimed 722 does nothing to help. By the way, in case anyone was wondering, I am aware that this piece of technology allows me control over my diabetes that I am extremely lucky to have… but it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I’d rather not be attached to anything. It’s like my cell phone-it’s a great piece of electronic equipment that puts the world at my fingertips, but sometimes I just want to disconnect.

Anyway, disclaimer finished. I wore my Lara Croft contraption with a dress today, but the heat wasn’t having it. Walking through Philly, within 20 minutes of getting off the train, the velcro decided to give and down slid said holder to an audience of Wendy’s diners. Not wishing to expose my entire leg to Walnut street in order to secure a pump that was more than likely to fall again with the walking, I removed it from the holder and took to carrying my (purple) faux pancreas around, tubing emerging from the bottom of my dress and snaking up to the hand that held it. I guess it would have been a funny sight if anyone had been cool enough to notice. Surprisingly, this method was much less bothersome than the holder or trying to keep it in my bra (TMI? I don’t know, but I can’t stand that.. always falling.. absentmindedly reaching into my shirt to bolus. It’s no good.) That situation was bad enough, with a fairly mediocre end, but when I got home I discovered my pump site, which I had just put in this morning, had already come out thanks to the wonderful combination of movement & humidity.

Now, I love minimed. They’ve got great customer service and they make an awesome insulin pump, but this leg strap they make simply doesn’t make the grade. I’ve practically got to cut off circulation to keep the thing from sliding, and it is entirely hopeless in the heat. I also understand that it’s difficult to make adhesive tape that will keep the infusion site on in weather like this, combined with physical activity, but there must be some way to improvise. I mean, do they sell super adhesive or something!? I can’t keep having to change the site every day! I really want to look into the omnipod, but I wouldn’t want to entirely switch insulin pumps without being able to test it out first.

Ah well, that’s enough about the annoying side of diabetes for today. On to better things! I received an email from Austin Cooper of Evasion ID a few days ago. If anyone is looking for a medical ID bracelet, there are some cool designs over at Evasion ID. The bracelets aren’t the traditional medical alert style, so they allow you to be both stylish and safe. Winning combo, I say. While on the topic, I want to mention Lauren’s Hope as well. I had trouble finding an ID bracelet that I liked at first, too, but there’s also a great selection to choose from over at Lauren’s Hope. I bought one like this, and made bracelets of my own since the original can be taken off of the tag and a new one put on. That way, you’ve got your own custom bracelet and, if you make a lot, you’ve got plenty to choose from. Both of those sites provide great alternatives to the traditional medical ID, so check them out. Which reminds me, I need to go put mine back on!

Look forward to a post that contains no complaints coming soon!

Meme & Graduation

Well Graduation was postponed on Wednesday, so it was moved to last night. I am now an official graduate. I wrote this on Wednesday while I was waiting- the meme that Jillian tagged me for a while ago. And by the way, Thank you for the compliment… It’s probably the most flattering thing anyone can say to me Anyway here goes! I’m not going to tag anyone since I’m pretty sure everyone already got it.

Rules:

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not allowed to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird, random, facts, habits and goals.

1) I’m known for spilling anything and everything and tripping over my own two feet. In 5th grade I sprained my big toe by tripping over a weight, and in 7th grade I tripped and fell on my butt in the the middle of the center stairwell during bell change. Also, I have come to accept the fact that if I am around someone I want to impress, I am bound to trip. And… I don’t remember the last time I had a meal and didn’t spill something on myself. These are just a few events that stick out among a series of daily tumbles and spills. Surprisingly, I have never broken a bone.

2) My computer desk rivals only my room in messiness. I can be organized when I want to, but I find that (especially during the school year) I simply convince myself I don’t have the time for it. Untrue, but nonetheless my clothes do tend to pile up… it gets to be a little contest at times. “How long before this topples over?” Needless to say, I share a room with my sister- who is never happy about it. In fact, she just banned me from searching in her drawers because I don’t see the need in folding clothing after I search through it.

3) Apparently I’ve missed out on a lot of classic movies. ie. I have never seen Forrest Gump, The Godfather, Indiana Jones, any of the Star Wars… or a number of other supposedly must see movies. I’m still waiting for someone to take the incentive and make me watch them.

4) My mom didn’t save any of my baby shoes because I hated wearing them…I still hate wearing shoes.

5) I keep saying I never want children, people keep telling me my mind will change. I don’t think it will. After watching the Miracle of Birth video in 9th grade I declared it a miracle that anyone would voluntary put themselves through childbirth. If I ever did want a child, though, I would adopt… but then there is that thing where small children never seem to like me.

6) I have an ever expanding list of goals for the future… At the root of it, however, I hope to keep writing, traveling, and, if I am able to help people and to educate, I’ll be happy… oh yeah, and I want a grand piano.

7) I love water… like seriously love water. If I’m out to dinner I’ll probably have more than 3 glasses before the main course ever comes out. I also take to eating ice during the summer.

8 ) Uniforms scare me

9) I love playing Mario Kart and Crash team racing, but I don’t have a .. game console? I don’t know if that’s what they’re called. We’ve never had any nintendo, playstation, xbox or anything- so I used to play videogames at my cousins house when I was younger - all the way back to SEGA. My love for kart racing games was rekindled last year when my friend got a projector that could be hooked up to playstation and the screen covered a whole wall. We then proceeded to play CTR for hours on end. I don’t know why I’m admitting this.. Anyway, beyond racing games, I am seriously lacking in skill. Though, I think I’d like try rockband… with my amazing singing skills.

10) I type 101 words per minute. And I don’t know why I know that.

And now, as for graduation, it was so exciting! I wore my “lara croft contraption” to wear my pump. Pump users you probably know what I’m taking about- that thigh strap. I walked into my friends house before graduation without having put it on yet and she said “Is that Lara?” As for the rest of my supplies, I brought my sugar tester and glucose tablets out onto the field with me. My school nurse held my purse that had my glucagon, extra insulin, and syringes in it. Sitting during the first speech, I checked my sugar and was at 151. Good to go, because I didn’t want to be too low since it would go down more before I went up to get my diploma. So, everything ran smoothly on the diabetes front, I actually didn’t trip while getting my diploma, and they pronounced my name correctly… all things I had expressed concern about beforehand. So, overall, I would say the night was a success. Afterwards my friends and I went cake hopping, not too good on the sugar!

Now, pictures!

a very late prom picture, since I never posted any. This one was taken by my friend’s dad.

Me and my dad

me & my parents

Me, my parents, and two of my friends who have clearly been adopted into the family

No Regrets

Do I need to mention my lag in updates? Nah. Since Mother’s day, its been a lot of late nights, a lot of laughter, a lot of my friends making fun of me (lovingly, of course), and a lot of last minute preparations… for the end! I’ll be graduating on Wednesday, weather permitting I suppose (cross your fingers for a tornado-free week). So I will be leaving high school with, as the title suggests, no regrets, and certainly no bitter sweet goodbyes. I’m sorry for how cliche that previous statement was, but I can think of no other way to say it. Goodbye high school, hello life.. etc.

My summer, at this point, appears to be relatively plan-free. I’ll be starting up my biking endeavor again, and hoping that I stick it out for longer than two weeks.. as opposed to last summer. I’ll be reading, and spending time with friends obviously. Also, my family and I are taking a vacation to Virginia to visit the Shenandoah river valley. Why? Because my dad has been singing the song “Shenandoah” for a while now, so it only seemed appropriate. Other than that, I’ve got my birthday, college orientation, and various summer concerts to attend, all the while trying to convince myself that I actually like summer weather. I also want to volunteer more this summer in places and with organizations that have yet to be determined… definitely more with JDRF though. And.. I am going to learn more piano. So, clearly, right now my summer leaves lots of room for relaxation. For now, however, I’m going to pick up where I left off last Wednesday (our last day), and continue the celebration with a little room cleaning, and then its off to a late night movie perhaps. Freedom is sweet

Thanks, Mom.

I don’t think I’m alone in saying that a Mother plays a big role in a child’s life, but there is an especially strong bond between a mother and a child with disease. I remember first finding out I had Type 1 Diabetes. My mom is a nurse, so she saw the signs and identified them quickly- though I have no doubt in my mind she wished it was something else. I was drinking juice concentrate straight from the can, falling asleep whenever I had the chance to sit, and on one particular hot summer day I gulped down an entire mug of hot coffee. On the day I was outside playing with two of my friends when my mom called me inside. She had been on the phone with my pediatrician, and perched on the edge of my bathtub she took my hand and used my grandfather’s glucose meter to test my sugar- the very first of many to come. Then we were off to the hospital and I sat between my parents in the car, crying. My diagnosis sugar was in the 200’s, and I remember tears in my mother’s eyes when she asked my doctors if they were sure it couldn’t be something else… one last moment of wishful thinking. She stayed with me the entire visit, learned with me, and laughed with me. She took on caring for me when we got home without a second thought. It’s something I wasn’t entirely able to appreciate until later.

She was there when a virus put me into the hospital again, when the hospital nurses failed to monitor my sugar every hour, and when they upped the insulin in my IV while my sugar was going down. She fought for long months when I entered middle school to get me the right to check my blood sugar in class. She found me out when I stopped testing, and there were big gaps in the history on my meter… She never let me give up.

I think my Mom and I view my disease very differently, which is to be expected since we have very different perspectives. I think she is more afraid than I am, I think that what could happen scares her more than anything and that sometimes it is all she can think about in regard to my disease. I don’t want her to be afraid, even though I myself fear at times. I hope that she knows I plan to look back on all of this and be able to say I did the best I could, every day- and T1 Diabetes never got the best of me. I hope she knows that I could not have made it to where I am today without her guidance along the way (whether I wanted it or not at the time). I want her to know it really is all OK, and she doesn’t have to worry so much. So I Thank my Mother today for everything she has so selflessly done for me along the way. Although my lack of assistance with household chores, stubbornness, and regular tendency to take too long to do what you ask of me may not show it … I really appreciate it all. If I were to go on, past T1 Diabetes, about everything else my Mom does for us this entry could fill a book. Because you took care of me, I take care of myself.

*I apologize for getting all sorts of sappy*

Happy Mothers Day!

Almost there

I feel the need to declare something here. I have never ever been more excited to do anything in my entire life as I am to graduate high school. Everything else pales in comparison. I will finally feel FREE, for good- not just a few summer months. And to anyone who likes or liked high school (I apologize)- you boggle my mind, but more power to ya I guess? I never have and, in fact, it has become increasingly more unbearable in these last few months. I will cry (of pure and total joy) the day I put it all behind me. Declared. Done. That is all.

As for other news.. Tomorrow I’m going to volunteer training because I will be working at the JDRF Promise ball. I am really excited about this event, and I think my friend is going to come with me so that makes it even better. After that I am headed to Pittsburgh for the weekend to check out a college, and hopefully make my decision. I am getting anxious as the May 1st deadline approaches, but it will be a huge relief when I finally decide. My 3rd marking period grades also came today- I picked a really inopportune time to act like a teenager. So, consequently, I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do in this last month of school. It’s strange to think that one day I will look back at this time and think how silly I was- now I just wish it were not so. I still have a lot of digging out of my own to do but, as the summer approaches, I am finally beginning to feel a bit more capable of doing so. Honestly I am just emerging from a rather depressed post-Ireland week and accepting the fact that there are not really any stars when I look up around here, and I can’t exactly expect to see lambs everywhere (or really, anywhere). I’ll get back there, though, and hopefully soon… and at some point (I hope) for a more permanent stay. It was an amazing trip, and I’ll make a more thorough update about it soon. I wrote about every night, but my makeshift journal is still with my friend so I’ll wait until I get that back. The other day, when my Dad got off the phone he said to me “Uncle Anthony said he wants a blog, he said you’ll know what that means.” Now I can assume one of two things here: One-my Uncle Anthony knows my blog and wants me to update on Ireland (and if so, Hi Uncle Anthony!) or my Uncle Anthony calls e-mail a blog in the same way my Dad calls his email his website, and wants me to e-mail him pictures from Ireland (which, I swear, one day I will finally do). But, either way, an update is coming soon!!